Death Benches Terrell Owens

In his relentless attempt to find the truth, MaximumTailgating.com's own reporter, Joe, investigates what really happens with TO

Although Terrell Owens is arguably the best, though most abrasive football player in the NFL, recent events have led many to believe he is not ready to make the leap to death.  According to his publicist, Owens did not in fact attempt to take his own life, but accidentally mixed his supplements with the painkillers for his broken hand. 

Given that this is a publicist’s worst nightmare, I took it upon myself to consult a doctor and asked her professional opinion on the matter.  Dr. Lois Defois of Cedar Sinai Hospital in California said, “What we have here is a classic example of an ignorant man.  If he had indeed mistakenly mixed his medicine, it is the fault of his doctor, who must not have told him he should not do so.  It is my professional opinion, however, that it was an attempted suicide.” 

To corroborate this statement, I wanted to dig a little deeper, and really get my hands dirty.  My next interview was a bit of a drive, but with some AC/DC on my radio, an Arizona Iced tea in my hand, and a roadmap to nowhere, I was ready for the interview of a lifetime.  Seven gas stops and eight fiery tollbooths later, I reached my destination.  When I finally reached the 9th gate of hell, I knew I was in the right spot.  After ringing the buzzer at the gate, an elderly demon in a tuxedo approached and calmed the three headed dog saying, “Patience, Cerberus, this is Daddy’s guest today.”  He proceeded to lead me up the fiery pathway to Satan’s front door.  The door was made of aged oak, and was decorated with skin and fingernail remnants, most likely those of sinners and gluttons being punished by the trident. 

I was greeted by Satan at the door, and he walked me through a grand foyer bedecked in crimson curtains, with stonework floors.  Satan, bedecked in a classy J. Crew tweed jacket and day slacks, sat me across from his desk in his office and offered me a Bloody Mary which I gladly accepted.  After exchanging a few pleasantries, I asked Satan what he knew about the TO incident.  After a few preliminary questions, Satan replied, “To be honest with you, Joe, I was ready for him [TO].  I love getting celebrities; it makes me feel important.  But, like all things, I had to go through the bureaucracy of the system.  I cast my vote he should die, and so did God, but when it came to the Angel of Death, who holds a three-vote swing, he turned the motion down.  The Angel of Death said ‘Yeah, we could take him.  He didn’t really take enough to overdose, but hey, I’m Death!  I can do what I please.  But that’d be letting him off easy.  Here’s the deal.  I want dead people in my ranks.  I don’t want poseurs or people who aren’t ready for the show.  If he’s not good enough to kill himself the first time, I think a mandatory seven year bench in the game of life is sufficient.  Next time he thinks about killing himself, he’d damn well be prepared to go big.’  So that’s where Death stands with T.O.” 

While this somewhat eased my curiosity about Owens, I was still a bit disturbed by the outcome.  Before I left Satan, we talked about “Lost,” his new primetime “guilty pleasure,” and fishing, a hobby he has recently picked up.  I thanked the Dark Lord for his time and let myself out the door. 

It is the opinion of this writer that Satan is not that bad of a guy.  If anyone should be blamed for the pulse in T.O.’s body, it should be the Angel of Death.  It appears that Death benched T.O.