Superfan Supergone

Season Ticket Holder Banned After Testing Positive for Steroids

(JS - Oakland) - After much pressure from Congress, National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell approved a motion to check fans and concession workers for steroids, blood doping, and testosterone, citing an increase in illegal substance use by fans of major league sports.  The first person to be caught under the new regulations is Oakland Raider fan Sammy “Beef” Gugliomo.  Gugliomo, a bouncer at a local club, was “red flagged” at the entrance gate at the August 20th game versus the Forty-Niners.  During the third quarter, he was removed from his seat by two gentlemen in black suits and dark sunglasses. 

“I was getting more beer before the concessions closed for the day, and when I came back he was gone,” says Gugliomo’s co-worker brother and housemate, Derek “Juice” LeMoin.  “It was a major buzz-kill.”  After asking a staff member of the stadium, LeMoin was directed through some “mad creepy back hallways” in the innards of McAfee Coliseum.  After a long walk, he finally reached the testing facility and holding center for suspected dopers.  Gugliomo, at five feet ten inches tall and 220 pounds of solid muscle, was immediately marked as “questionable” by the higher-ups at the stadium.  After much debate in the front office, they believed they had enough information to hold him and test him.  Aside from his unusually chiseled girth, his tank-top basketball jersey made the acne on his back even more apparent.

“Once we saw the back acne (“backne”), we felt we had a pretty good shot at taking him down.  Although winning, our offense was having a rough start, and it only got worse.  Mr. Gugliomo was very well-tempered until an easy pass was dropped on third and long, causing a punt the next play.  Things quickly got ugly.  We have a number of witnesses who say they saw Mr. Gugliomo lose his temper after a failed fourth down conversion and pour a full beer over a neighboring fan who was supporting the Niners,” said team spokesperson Gail Finch.  “It was time to make an example.”

The threat of doping by spectators has been a growing concern among professional teams for some time.  Like the athletes they come to support, most dopers fall between the ages of 18-30, with a few outliers above 30 years old, who are still trying to “stay in the game.” 

Gerald Weaver, a former doping fan, now 40 years old, says of spectator doping, “It’s just not worth it.  Sure, you get a nice farmers tan at games and chicks look at your guns, but now I’m 40 years old with nothing to show from my former days but a broken marriage and man boobs.”  Man boobs is the medical term for sagging pectorals, due to a result of steroid abuse. 

Fan doping and abuse is not only a health issue, but has become a major problem for sporting venues, especially those constructed before 1970.  “We try our best to accommodate our “average” fan.  Most people fit into our seats relatively comfortably, with a few exceptions, but what we’ve noticed in the past 10 or 15 years is that, especially among young men, the seats are just not wide enough for their shoulders and overly-defined lats,” says NFL spokesman Kyle Remer. 

Once Gugliemo calmed down, he was escorted to his car where he allegedly lost his temper once again and attempted to rip out the parking meter that read “expired” next to his 1999 Mazda Protégé.  He has since been fined $1,000 by the NFL for his infraction as well as a seven game ban from McAfee Coliseum.  He is awaiting trial for his misdemeanor infraction with the parking meter.